THE
LIFE AND DIARY
OF
THE REV. DAVID BRAINERD:
WITH
NOTES AND REFLECTIONS.
PREFACE.
THERE
are two ways of representing and recommending true religion and virtue to the
world; the one, by doctrine and precept; the other, by instance and example;
both are abundantly used in the Holy Scriptures. Not only are the
grounds, nature, design, and importance of religion clearly exhibited in the doctrines
of Scripture--its exercise and practice plainly delineated, and abundantly
enforced, in its commands and counsels--but there we have many excellent examples
of religion, in its power and practice, set before us, in the histories both of
the Old and New Testament.
JESUS
CHRIST, the great Prophet of God, when he came to be “the light of the
world”--to teach and enforce true religion, in a greater degree than ever had
been before--made use of both these methods. In his doctrine, he not
only declared the mind and will of God--the nature and properties of that
virtue which becomes creatures of our make and in our circumstances--more
clearly and fully than ever it had been before; and more powerfully enforced it
by what he declared of the obligations and inducements to holiness; but he also
in his own practice gave a most perfect example of the virtue he
taught. He exhibited to the world such an illustrious pattern of humility,
divine love, discreet zeal, self-denial, obedience, patience, resignation,
fortitude, meekness, forgiveness, compassion, benevolence, and universal
holiness, as neither men nor angels ever saw before.
God also
in his providence has been wont to make use of both these methods
to hold forth light to mankind, and inducements to their duty, in all ages. He
has from time to time raised up eminent teachers, to exhibit and bear
testimony to the truth by their doctrine, and to oppose the errors,
darkness, and wickedness of the world; and he has also raised up some eminent
persons who have set bright examples of that religion which is taught
and prescribed in the word of God; whose examples have, in the course of divine
providence, been set forth to public view. These have a great tendency both to
engage the attention of men to the doctrines and rules taught, and also to
confirm and enforce them; especially when these bright examples have been
exhibited in the same persons who have been eminent teachers.
Hereby the world has had opportunity to see a confirmation of the truth,
efficacy, and amiableness of the religion taught, in the practice of the same
persons who have most clearly and forcibly taught it; and above all, when these
bright examples have been set by eminent teachers, in a variety of
unusual circumstances of remarkable trial; and when God has
withal remarkably distinguished them with wonderful success of their
instructions and labours.
Such an
instance we have in the excellent person, whose life is published
in the following pages. His example is attended with a great variety of
circumstances tending to engage the attention of religious people, especially
in these parts of the world. He was one of distinguished natural abilities; as
all are sensible, who had acquaintance with him. As a minister of the gospel,
he was called to unusual services in that work; and his ministry was attended
with very remarkable and unusual events. His course of religion began before
the late times of extraordinary religious commotion; yet he was not an idle
spectator, but had a near concern in many things that passed at that time. He
had a very extensive acquaintance with those who have been the subjects of the
late religious operations, in places far distant, in people of different
nations, education, manners, and customs. He had a peculiar opportunity of
acquaintance with the false appearances and counterfeits of religion; was the
instrument of a most remarkable awakening, a wonderful and abiding alteration
and moral transformation of subjects who peculiarly render the change rare and
astonishing.
In the
following account, the reader will have an opportunity to see, not only what
were the external circumstances and remarkable incidents of the life of
this person, and how he spent his time from day to day, as to his external
behaviour; but also what passed in his own heart. Here he will see the
wonderful change he experienced in his mind and disposition, the manner
in which that change was brought to pass, how it continued, what were its
consequences in his inward frames, thoughts, affections, and secret exercises,
through many vicissitudes and trials, for more than eight years.
He will
also see, how all ended at last, in his sentiments, frame, and behaviour,
during a long season of the gradual and sensible approach of death, under a
lingering illness; and what were the effects of his religion in dying
circumstances, or in the last stages of his illness. The account being written,
the reader may have opportunity at his leisure to compare the various parts of
the story, and deliberately to view and weigh the whole, and consider how far
what is related is agreeable to the dictates of right reason and the
holy word of God.
314 PREFACE.
I am far
from supposing, that Mr. Brainerd’s inward exercises and experiences, or his
external conduct, were free from all imperfections. The example of Jesus
Christ is the only example that ever existed in human nature as
altogether perfect; which therefore is a rule to try all other examples by; and
the dispositions, frames, and practices of others must be commended and
followed no further, than they were followers of Christ.
There is
one thing in Mr. Brainerd, easily discernible by the following account of his
life, which may be called an imperfection in him, which--though not
properly an imperfection of a moral nature, yet--may possibly be made an
objection against the extraordinary appearances of religion and devotion in
him, by such as seek for objections against every thing that can be produced in
favour of true vital religion; and that is, that he was, by his constitution
and natural temper, so prone to melancholy and dejection of spirit.
There are some who think that all serious strict religion is a melancholy
thing, and that what is called christian experience, is little else besides melancholy
vapours disturbing the brain, and exciting enthusiastic imaginations. But
that Mr. Brainerd’s temper or constitution inclined him to despondency, is no
just ground to suspect his extraordinary devotion to be only the fruit
of a warm imagination. I doubt not but that all who have well observed mankind,
will readily grant, that not all who by their natural constitution or temper
are most disposed to dejection, are the most susceptive of lively and
strong impressions on their imagination, or the most subject to those vehement
affections, which are the fruits of such impressions. But they must well know,
that many who are of a very gay and sanguine natural temper are
vastly more so; and if their affections are turned into a religious channel,
are much more exposed to enthusiasm, than many of the former. As to Mr.
Brainerd in particular, notwithstanding his inclination to despondency, he was
evidently one of those who usually are the furthest from a teeming imagination;
being of a penetrating genius, of clear thought, of close reasoning, and a very
exact judgment; as all know, who knew him. As he had a great insight into human
nature, and was very discerning and judicious in general; so he
excelled in his judgment and knowledge in divinity, but especially in things
appertaining to inward experimental religion. He most accurately distinguished
between real, solid piety, and enthusiasm; between those affections that are rational
and scriptural--having their foundation in light and judgment--and those that
are founded in whimsical conceits, strong impressions on the imagination, and
vehement emotions of the animal spirits. He was exceedingly sensible of men’s
exposedness to these things; how much they had prevailed, and what multitudes
had been deceived by them; of their pernicious consequences, and the fearful
mischief they had done in the christian world. He greatly abhorred such a
religion, and was abundant in bearing testimony against it, living and dying;
and was quick to discern when any thing of that nature arose, though in its
first buddings, and appearing under the most fair and plausible disguises. He
had a talent for describing the various workings of this imaginary, enthusiastic
religion--evincing its falseness and vanity, and demonstrating the great
difference between this and true spiritual devotion--which I scarcely
ever knew equalled in any person.
His
judiciousness did not only appear in distinguishing among the experiences of others,
but also among the various exercises of his own mind; particularly in
discerning what within himself was to be laid to the score of melancholy;
in which he exceeded all melancholy persons that ever I was acquainted with.
This was doubtless owing to a peculiar strength in his judgment; for it
is a rare thing indeed, that melancholy people are well sensible of their own
disease, and fully convinced that such and such things are to be ascribed to
it, as are its genuine operations and fruits. Mr. Brainerd did not obtain that
degree of skill at once, but gradually; as the reader may discern by the
following account of his life. In the former part of his
religious course, he imputed much of that kind of gloominess of mind and those
dark thoughts to spiritual desertion, which in the latter part of his life he
was abundantly sensible were owing to the disease of melancholy;
accordingly he often expressly speaks of them in his diary as arising
from this cause. He often in conversation spoke of the difference between
melancholy and godly sorrow, true humiliation and spiritual desertion, and the
great danger of mistaking the one for the other, and the very hurtful nature of
melancholy; discoursing with great judgment upon it, and doubtless much more
judiciously for what he knew by his own experience.
But
besides what may be argued from Mr. Brainerd’s strength of judgment, it is
apparent in fact, that he was not a person of a warm imagination.
His inward experiences, whether in his convictions or his conversion, and his
religious views and impressions through the course of his life, were not
excited by strong and lively images formed in his imagination; nothing at all
appears of it in his diary from beginning to end. He told me on his
death-bed, that although once, when he was very young in years and experience,
he was deceived into a high opinion of such things--looking on them as superior
attainments in religion, beyond what he had ever arrived at--was ambitious of
them, and earnestly sought them; yet he never could obtain them. He moreover
declared, that he never in his life had a strong impression on his imagination,
of any outward form, external glory, or any thing of that nature; which kind of
impressions abound among enthusiastic people.
As Mr.
Brainerd’s religious impressions, views, and affections in their nature were
vastly different from enthusiasm; so were their effects in him as
contrary to it as possible. Nothing like enthusiasm puffs men up
with a high conceit of their own wisdom, holiness, eminence, and sufficiency;
and makes them so bold, forward, assuming, and arrogant. But the reader will
see, that Mr. Brainerd’s religion constantly disposed him to a most mean
thought of himself, an abasing sense of his own exceeding sinfulness,
deficiency, unprofitableness, and ignorance; looking on himself as worse than
others; disposing him to universal benevolence and meekness; in honour to
prefer others, and to treat all with kindness and respect. And when melancholy
prevailed, and though the effects of it were very prejudicial to him, yet
it had not the effects of enthusiasm; but operated by dark and
discouraging thoughts of himself, as ignorant, wicked, and wholly unfit
for the work of the ministry, or even to be seen among mankind. Indeed, at the
time forementioned, when he had not learned well to distinguish between
enthusiasm and solid religion, he joined, and kept company with, some who were
tinged with no small degree of the former. For a season he partook with them in
a degree of their dispositions and behaviours; though, as was observed before,
he could not obtain those things wherein their enthusiasm itself
consisted, and so could not become like them in that respect, however he
erroneously desired and sought it. But certainly it is not at all to be
wondered at, that a youth, a young convert, one who had his heart so swallowed
up in religion, and who so earnestly desired his flourishing state--and who had
so little opportunity for reading, observation, and experience--should for a while
be dazzled and deceived with the glaring appearances of mistaken devotion and
zeal; especially considering the extraordinary circumstances of that day. He
told me on his death-bed, that while he was in these circumstances he was out
of his element, and did violence to himself, while complying, in his conduct,
with persons of a fierce and imprudent zeal, from his great veneration of some
whom he looked upon as better than himself. So that it would be very
unreasonable, that his error at that time should nevertheless be esteemed a
just ground of prejudice against the whole of his religion, and his character
in general; especially considering, how greatly his mind soon changed, and how
exceedingly he afterwards lamented his error, and abhorred himself for his
imprudent zeal and misconduct at that time, even to the breaking of his heart,
and almost to the overbearing of his natural strength; and how much of a
christian spirit he showed, in condemning himself for that misconduct, as the
reader will see.
What has
been now mentioned of Mr. Brainerd, is so far from being a just ground of
prejudice against what is related in the following account of his life, that,
if duly considered, it will render the history the more serviceable. For by his
thus joining for a season with enthusiasts, he had a more full and
intimate acquaintance with what belonged to that
PREFACE 315
sort of
religion; and so was under better advantages to judge of the difference between
that, and what he finally approved, and strove to his utmost to promote, in
opposition to it. And hereby the reader has the more to convince him that Mr.
Brainerd, in his testimony against it, and the spirit and behaviour of those
who are influenced by it, speaks from impartial conviction, and not from
prejudice; because therein he openly condemns his own former opinion and
conduct, on account of which he had greatly suffered from his opposers, and for
which some continued to reproach him as long as he lived.
Another
imperfection in Mr. Brainerd, which may be observed in the following account of
his life, was his being excessive in his labours; not taking due care to
proportion his fatigues to his strength. Indeed the case was very often such,
by the seeming calls of Providence, as made it extremely difficult for him to
avoid doing more than his strength would well admit of; yea, his circumstances
and the business of his mission among the Indians were such, that great
fatigues and hardships were altogether inevitable. However, he was finally
convinced, that he had erred in this matter, and that he ought to have taken
more thorough care, and been more resolute to withstand temptations to such
degrees of labour as injured his health; and accordingly warned his brother,
who succeeds him in his mission, to be careful to avoid this error.
Besides
the imperfections already mentioned, it is readily allowed, that there were
some imperfections which ran through his whole life, and were mixed with all
his religious affections and exercises; some mixture of what was natural with
that which was spiritual; as it evermore is in the best saints in this world.
Doubtless, natural temper had some influence in the religious exercises and
experiences of Mr. Brainerd, as there most apparently was in the exercises of
devout David, and the apostles Peter, John, and Paul. There was undoubtedly
very often some influence of his natural disposition to dejection, in his
religious mourning; some mixture of melancholy with truly godly sorrow and real
christian humility; some mixture of the natural fire of youth with his holy
zeal for God; and some influence of natural principles mixed with grace in
various other respects, as it ever was and ever will be with the saints while
on this side heaven. Perhaps none were more sensible of Mr. Brainerd’s imperfections
than he himself; or could distinguish more accurately than he, between what was
natural and what was spiritual. It is easy for the judicious reader to observe,
that his graces ripened, the religious exercises of his heart became more and
more pure, and he more and more distinguished in his judgment, the longer he
lived: he had much to teach and purify him, and he failed not to make his
advantage.
But
notwithstanding all these imperfections, I am persuaded every pious and
judicious reader will acknowledge, that what is here set before him is indeed a
remarkable instance of true and eminent christian piety in heart and
practice--tending greatly to confirm the reality of vital religion, and the
power of godliness--that it is most worthy of imitation, and many ways
calculated to promote the spiritual benefit of the careful observer.
It is
fit the reader should be aware, that what Mr. Brainerd wrote in his diary,
out of which the following account of his life is chiefly taken, was written
only for his own private use, and not to get honour and applause in the world,
nor with any design that the world should ever see it, either while he lived or
after his death; excepting some few things that he wrote in a dying state,
after he had been persuaded, with difficulty, not entirely to suppress all his
private writings. He showed himself almost invincibly averse to the publishing
of any part of his diary after his death; and when he was thought to be
dying at Boston, he gave the most strict, peremptory orders to the contrary.
But being by some of his friends there prevailed upon to withdraw so strict and
absolute a prohibition, he was pleased finally to yield so far as that “his
papers should be left in my hands, that I might dispose of them as I thought
would be most for God’s glory and the interest of religion.”
But a
few days before his death, he ordered some part of his diary to be
destroyed, which renders the account of his life the less complete. And there
are some parts of his diary here left out for brevity’s sake, that
would, I am sensible, have been a great advantage to the history, if they had
been inserted; particularly the account of his wonderful successes among the
Indians; which for substance is the same in his private diary with that
which has already been made public, in the journal he kept by order of
the society in Scotland, for their information. That account, I am of opinion,
would be more entertaining and more profitable, if it were published as it is
written in his diary, in connexion with his secret religion and the
inward exercises of his mind, and also with the preceding and following parts
of the story of his life. But because that account has been published already,
I have therefore omitted that part. However, this defect may in a great measure
be made up to the reader, by the public journal.--But it is time to end
this preface, that the reader may be no longer detained from the history
itself.
JONATHAN EDWARDS.
N.B.
Those parts of the following Life and Diary which are not in turned
commas, are the words of the publisher, President Edwards. They contain
the substance of Mr. Brainerd’s Diary for the time specified. By this
mode, needless repetitions were prevented.
THE
LIFE AND DIARY OF DAVID
BRAINERD.
PART I.
FROM HIS BIRTH, TO THE TIME WHEN
HE BEGAN TO STUDY
FOR THE MINISTRY.
MR.
DAVID BRAINERD was born April 20, 1718, at Haddam, a town of Hartford,
in Connecticut, New England. His father was the worshipful Hezekiah Brainerd,
Esq. one of his Majesty’s council for that colony; who was the son of Daniel
Brainerd, Esq. a justice of the peace, and a deacon of the church of Christ in
Haddam. His mother was Mrs. Dorothy Hobart, daughter to the Reverend Mr.
Jeremiah Hobart; who preached awhile at Topsfield, then removed to Hempstead on
Long-Island, and afterwards--by reason of numbers turning Quakers, and many
others being so irreligious, that they would do nothing towards the support of
the gospel--settled in the work of the ministry at Haddam; where he died in the
85th year of his age. He went to the public worship in the forenoon, and died
in his chair between meetings. This reverend gentleman was a son of the
Reverend Peter Hobart; who was, first, minister of the gospel at Hingham, in
the county of Norfolk in England; and, by reason of the persecution of the
Puritans, removed with his family to New England, and was settled in the
ministry at Hingham, in Massachusetts. He had five sons, viz. Joshua,
Jeremiah, Gershom, Japheth, and Nehemiah. His son Joshua was minister at
Southold on Long-Island. Jeremiah was Mr. David Brainerd’s grandfather,
minister at Haddam, &c. as before observed; Gershom was minister of Groton
in Connecticut; Japheth was a physician; he went in the quality of a doctor of
a ship to England, (before the time of taking his second degree at college,)
and designed to go from thence to the East Indies; but never was heard of more.
Nehemiah was sometime fellow of Harvard college, and afterwards minister at
Newton in Massachusetts. The mother of Mrs. Dorothy Hobart (who was afterwards
Brainerd) was a daughter of the Reverend Samuel Whiting, minister of the
gospel, first at Boston in Lincolnshire, and afterwards at Lynn in
Massachusetts, New England. He had three sons who were ministers of the gospel.
David
Brainerd was the third son of his parents. They had five sons, and four
daughters. Their eldest son is Hezekiah Brainerd, Esq. a justice of the peace,
and for several years past a representative of the town of Haddam, in the
general assembly of Connecticut colony; the second was the Reverend Nehemiah
Brainerd, a worthy minister at Eastbury in Connecticut, who died of a
consumption, Nov. 10, 1742; the fourth is Mr. John Brainerd, who succeeds his
brother David as missionary to the Indians, and pastor of the same church of
Christian Indians in New Jersey; and the fifth was Israel, lately student at
Yale college in New-Haven, who died since his brother David.--Mrs. Dorothy
Brainerd having lived about five years a widow, died when her son, of whose
life I am about to give an account, was about fourteen years of age: so that in
his youth he was left both fatherless and motherless. What account he has given
of himself, and his own life, may be seen in what follows.*
“I was
from my youth somewhat sober, and inclined rather to melancholy than the
contrary extreme; but do not remember any thing of conviction of sin, worthy of
remark, till I was, I believe, about seven or eight years of age. Then I became
concerned for my soul, and terrified at the thoughts of death, and was driven
to the performance of duties: but it appeared a melancholy business, that
destroyed my eagerness for play. And though, alas! this religious concern was
but short-lived, I sometimes attended secret prayer; and thus lived at “ease in
Zion, without God in the world,” and without much concern, as I remember, till
I was above thirteen years of age. But some time in the winter 1732, I was
roused out of carnal security, by I scarce know what means at first; but was
much excited by the prevailing of a mortal sickness in Haddam. I was frequent,
constant, and somewhat fervent in duties; and took delight in reading,
especially Mr. Janeway’s Token for Children. I felt sometimes much
melted in duties, and took great delight in the performance of them; and I
sometimes hoped that I was converted, or at least in a good and hopeful way for
heaven and happiness, not knowing what conversion was. The Spirit of God at
this time proceeded far with me; I was remarkably dead to the world, and my
thoughts were almost wholly employed about my soul’s concerns; and I may indeed
say, “Almost I was persuaded to be a Christian.” I was also exceedingly
distressed and melancholy at the death of my mother, in March, 1732. But afterwards
my religious concern began to decline, and by degrees I fell back into a
considerable degree of security, though I still attended secret prayer.
“About
the 15th of April, 1733, I removed from my father’s house to East Haddam, where
I spent four years; but still “without God in the world,” though, for the most
part, I went a round of secret duty. I was not much addicted to young company,
or frolicking, as it is called, but this I know, that when I did go into such
company, I never returned with so good a conscience as when I went; it always
added new guilt, made me afraid to come to the throne of grace, and spoiled
those good frames I was wont sometimes to please myself with. But, alas! all my
good frames were but self-righteousness, not founded on a desire for the glory
of God.
“About
the latter end of April, 1737, being full nineteen years of age, I removed to
Durham, to work on my farm, and so continued about one year; frequently
longing, from a natural inclination, after a liberal education. When about
twenty years of age, I applied myself to study; and was now engaged more than
ever in the duties of religion. I became very strict, and watchful over my
thoughts, words, and actions; and thought I must be sober indeed, because I
designed to devote myself to the ministry; and imagined I did
dedicate myself to the Lord.
Some
time in April, 1738, I went to Mr. Fiske’s, and lived with him during his
life.† I remember he advised
* In Mr.
Brainerd’s account of himself here, and continued in his Diary, the
reader will find a growing interest and pleasure as he proceeds: in
which is beautifully exemplified what the inspired penman declares, “The path
of the just is as the morning light, that shineth more and more unto the
perfect day.” And indeed even his diction and style of writing assume a gradual
improvement.--W.
† Mr.
Fiske was the pastor of the church in Haddam.
PART I. A.D. 1718-1742. ĘT.
1-24. 317
me
wholly to abandon young company, and associate myself with grave elderly people:
which counsel I followed. My manner of life was now exceeding regular, and full
of religion, such as it was; for I read my Bible more than twice through in
less than a year, spent much time every day in prayer and other secret duties,
gave great attention to the word preached, and endeavoured to my utmost to
retain it. So much concerned was I about religion, that I agreed with some
young persons to meet privately on sabbath evenings for religious exercises,
and thought myself sincere in these duties; and after our meeting was
ended, I used to repeat the discourses of the day to myself;
recollecting what I could, though sometimes very late at night. I used
sometimes on Monday mornings to recollect the same sermons; had considerable
movings of pleasurable affection in duties, and had many thoughts of joining
the church. In short, I had a very good outside, and rested entirely on
my duties, though not sensible of it.
“After
Mr. Fiske’s death, I proceeded in my learning with my brother; was still very
constant in religious duties, and often wondered at the levity of professors;
it was a trouble to me, that they were so careless in religious matters.--Thus
I proceeded a considerable length on a self-righteous foundation; and
should have been entirely lost and undone, had not the mere mercy of God
prevented.
“Some
time in the beginning of winter, 1738, it pleased God, on one sabbath-day
morning, as I was walking out for some secret duties, to give me on a sudden
such a sense of my danger, and the wrath of God, that I stood amazed,
and my former good frames, that I had pleased myself with, all presently
vanished. From the view I had of my sin and vileness, I was much distressed all
that day, fearing the vengeance of God would soon overtake me. I was much
dejected, kept much alone, and sometimes envied the birds and beasts their
happiness, because they were not exposed to eternal misery, as I evidently saw
I was. And thus I lived from day to day, being frequently in great distress:
sometimes there appeared mountains before me to obstruct my hopes of mercy; and
the work of conversion appeared so great, that I thought I should never be the
subject of it. I used, however, to pray and cry to God, and perform other
duties with great earnestness; and thus hoped by some means to make the case
better.
“And
though, hundreds of times, I renounced all pretences of any worth in my
duties, as I thought, even while performing them, and often confessed to God
that I deserved nothing, for the very best of them, but eternal condemnation;
yet still I had a secret hope of recommending myself to God by my
religious duties. When I prayed affectionately, and my heart seemed in some
measure to melt, I hoped God would be thereby moved to pity me, my prayers then
looked with some appearance of goodness in them, and I seemed to mourn
for sin. And then I could in some measure venture on the mercy of God in
Christ, as I thought, though the preponderating thought, the foundation
of my hope, was some imagination of goodness in my heart-meltings,
flowing of affections in duty, extraordinary enlargements, &c. Though at
times the gate appeared so very strait, that it looked next to impossible to
enter, yet, at other times, I flattered myself that it was not so very
difficult, and hoped I should by diligence and watchfulness soon gain the
point. Sometimes after enlargement in duty and considerable affection, I hoped
I had made a good step towards heaven; imagined that God was affected as
I was, and that he would hear such sincere cries, as I called them. And
so sometimes, when I withdrew for secret duties in great distress, I returned
comfortable; and thus healed myself with my duties.
“Some
time in February, 1739, I set apart a day for secret fasting and prayer, and
spent the day in almost incessant cries to God for mercy, that he would open my
eyes to see the evil of sin, and the way of life by Jesus Christ. And God was
pleased that day to make considerable discoveries of my heart to me. But still
I trusted in all the duties I performed; though there was no manner of goodness
in them, there being in them no respect to the glory of God, nor any such
principle in my heart. Yet, God was pleased to make my endeavours that day a
means to show me my helplessness in some measure.
“Sometimes
I was greatly encouraged, and imagined that God loved me, and was
pleased with me; and thought I should soon be fully reconciled to God. But the
whole was founded on mere presumption, arising from enlargement in duty,
or flowing of affections, or some good resolutions, and the like. And when, at
times, great distress began to arise, on a sight of my vileness, nakedness, and
inability to deliver myself from a sovereign God, I used to put off the
discovery, as what I could not bear. Once, I remember, a pang of distress
seized me, and the thoughts of renouncing myself, and standing naked before
God, stripped of all goodness, were so dreadful to me, that I was ready to say
to them as Felix to Paul, ‘Go thy way for this time.’ Thus, though I daily
longed for greater conviction of sin, supposing that I must see more of my
dreadful state in order to a remedy; yet when the discoveries of my vile,
hellish heart, were made to me, the sight was so dreadful, and showed me so
plainly my exposedness to damnation, that I could not endure it.--I constantly
strove after whatever qualifications I imagined others obtained before
the reception of Christ, in order to recommend me to his favour.
Sometimes I felt the power of a hard heart, and supposed it must be softened
before Christ would accept of me; and when I felt any meltings of heart, I
hoped now the work was almost done. Hence, when my distress still remained, I
was wont to murmur at God’s dealings with me; and thought, when others felt
their hearts softened, God showed them mercy; but my distress remained still.
“Sometimes I grew remiss and
sluggish, without any great convictions of sin, for a considerable time
together; but after such a season, convictions seized me more violently. One
night I remember in particular, when I was walking solitarily abroad, I had
opened to me such a view of my sin, that I feared the ground would cleave
asunder under my feet, and become my grave; and would send my soul quick into hell, before I could get home. And though
I was forced to go to bed, lest my distress should be discovered by others,
which I much feared; yet I scarcely durst sleep at all, for I thought it would
be a great wonder if I should be out of hell in the morning. And though my
distress was sometimes thus great, yet I greatly dreaded the loss of convictions,
and returning back to a state of carnal security, and to my former
insensibility of impending wrath; which made me exceeding exact in my
behaviour, lest I should stifle the motions of God’s Holy Spirit. When at any
time I took a view of my convictions, and thought the degree of them to be
considerable, I was wont to trust in them; but this confidence, and the hopes
of soon making some notable advances towards deliverance, would ease my mind,
and I soon became more senseless and remiss: but then again, when I discerned
my convictions to grow languid, and I thought them about to leave me, this
immediately alarmed and distressed me. Sometimes I expected to take a large
step, and get very far towards conversion, by some particular opportunity or
means I had in view.
“The
many disappointments, great distresses, and perplexity I met with, put me into
a most horrible frame of contesting with the Almighty; with an
inward vehemence and virulence finding fault with his ways of dealing with
mankind. I found great fault with the imputation of Adam’s sin to his
posterity; and my wicked heart often wished for some other way of salvation,
than by Jesus Christ. Being like the troubled sea, my thoughts confused, I used
to contrive to escape the wrath of God by some other means. I had
strange projects, full of atheism, contriving to disappoint God’s
designs and decrees concerning me, or to escape his notice, and hide
myself from him. But when, upon reflection, I saw these projects were vain, and
would not serve me, and that I could contrive nothing for my own relief; this
would throw my mind into the most horrid frame, to wish there was no God, or to
wish there were some other God that could control him, &c. These
thoughts and desires were the secret inclinations of my heart, frequently
acting before I was aware; but, alas! they were mine, although I was
affrighted when I came to reflect on them. When I considered,
318 BRAINERD’S LIFE AND
DIARY.
it
distressed me to think, that my heart was so full of enmity against God; and it
made me tremble, lest his vengeance should suddenly fall upon me. I used before
to imagine, that my heart was not so bad as the Scriptures and some other books
represented it. Sometimes I used to take much pains to work it up into a good
frame, an humble submissive disposition; and hoped there was then some
goodness in me. But, on a sudden, the thoughts of the strictness of the law, or
the sovereignty of God, would so irritate the corruption of my heart, that I
had so watched over, and hoped I had brought to a good frame, that it would
break over all bounds, and burst forth on all sides, like floods of water when
they break down their dam.
“Being
sensible of the necessity of a deep humiliation in order to a saving close with
Christ, I used to set myself to work in my own heart those convictions
that were requisite in such an humiliation; as, a conviction that God would be
just, if he cast me off for ever; that if ever God should bestow mercy on me,
it would be mere grace, though I should be in distress many years first, and be
never so much engaged in duty; that God was not in the least obliged to pity me
the more for all past duties, cries, and tears, &c. I strove to my utmost to
bring myself to a firm belief of these things and a hearty assent to them; and
hoped that now I was brought off from myself, truly humbled, and that I
bowed to the divine sovereignty. I was wont to tell God in my prayers, that now
I had those very dispositions of soul that he required, and on which he showed
mercy to others, and thereupon to beg and plead for mercy to me. But when I
found no relief, and was still oppressed with guilt, and fears of wrath, my
soul was in a tumult, and my heart rose against God, as dealing hardly with me.
Yet then my conscience flew in my face, putting me in mind of my late
confession to God of his justice in my condemnation, &c. And this
giving me a sight of the badness of my heart, threw me again into distress, and
I wished I had watched my heart more narrowly, to keep it from breaking out
against God’s dealings with me; and I even wished I had not pleaded for mercy
on account of my humiliation, because thereby I had lost all my seeming
goodness.--Thus, scores of times, I vainly imagined myself humbled and prepared
for saving mercy. And while I was in this distressed, bewildered, and
tumultuous state of mind, the corruption of my heart was especially irritated
with the following things.
“1. The strictness
of the divine law. For I found it was impossible for me, after my utmost
pains, to answer its demands. I often made new resolutions, and as often broke
them. I imputed the whole to carelessness and the want of being more watchful,
and used to call myself a fool for my negligence. But when, upon a stronger
resolution, and greater endeavours, and close application to fasting and
prayer, I found all attempts fail; then I quarrelled with the law of God, as
unreasonably rigid. I thought, if it extended only to my outward actions
and behaviours I could bear with it; but I found it condemned me for my
evil thoughts, and sins of my heart, which I could not possibly prevent.
I was extremely loth to own my utter helplessness in this matter: but after
repeated disappointments, thought that, rather than perish, I could do a little
more still; especially if such and such circumstances might but attend my
endeavours and strivings. I hoped, that I should strive more earnestly
than ever, if the matter came to extremity--though I never could find the time
to do my utmost, in the manner I intended--and this hope of future more
favourable circumstances, and of doing something great hereafter, kept me from
utter despair in myself, and from seeing myself fallen into the hands of a
sovereign God, and dependent on nothing but free and boundless grace.
“2.
Another thing was, that faith alone was the condition of salvation;
that God would not come down to lower terms, and that he would not promise life
and salvation upon my sincere and hearty prayers and endeavours. That word,
Mark xvi. 16. “He that believeth not, shall be damned,” cut off all hope there:
and I found, faith was the sovereign gift of God; that I could not get it as of
myself, and could not oblige God to bestow it upon me, by any of my performances,
(Eph. ii. 1, 8.) This, I was ready to say, is a hard saying, who can
bear it? I could not bear, that all I had done should stand for mere
nothing, who had been very conscientious in duty, had been exceeding religious
a great while, and had, as I thought, done much more than many others who had
obtained mercy. I confessed indeed the vileness of my duties; but then,
what made them at that time seem vile, was my wandering thoughts in
them; not because I was all over defiled like a devil, and the principle
corrupt from whence they flowed, so that I could not possibly do any thing that
was good. And therefore I called what I did, by the name of honest faithful
endeavours; and could not bear it, that God had made no promises of salvation
to them.
“3.
Another thing was, that I could not find out what faith was; or what it
was to believe, and come to Christ. I read the calls of Christ to the weary
and heavy laden; but could find no way that he directed them to
come in. I thought I would gladly come, if I knew how, though the path
of duty were never so difficult. I read Mr. Stoddard’s Guide to Christ,
(which I trust was, in the hand of God, the happy means of my conversion,) and
my heart rose against the author; for though he told me my very heart all along
under convictions, and seemed to be very beneficial to me in his directions;
yet here he failed, he did not tell me any thing I could do that would
bring me to Christ, but left me as it were with a great gulf between, without
any direction to get through. For I was not yet effectually and experimentally,
taught, that there could be no way prescribed, whereby a natural
man could, of his own strength, obtain that which is supernatural, and
which the highest angel cannot give.
“4.
Another thing to which I found a great inward opposition, was the sovereignty
of God. I could not bear that it should be wholly at God’s pleasure to save or
damn me, just as he would. That passage, Rom. ix. 11-23. was a constant
vexation to me, especially ver. 21. Reading or meditating on this, always
destroyed my seeming good frames: for when I thought I was almost humbled, and
almost resigned, this passage would make my enmity against the sovereignty of
God appear. When I came to reflect on my inward enmity and blasphemy, which arose
on this occasion, I was the more afraid of God, and driven further from any
hopes of reconciliation with him. It gave me such a dreadful view of myself,
that I dreaded more than ever to see myself in God’s hands, at his sovereign
disposal, and it made me more opposite than ever to submit to his sovereignty;
for I thought God designed my damnation.
“All
this time the Spirit of God was powerfully at work with me; and I was inwardly
pressed to relinquish all self-confidence, all hopes of ever helping myself
by any means whatsoever: and the conviction of my lost estate was
sometimes so clear and manifest before my eyes, that it was as if it had been
declared to me in so many words, ‘It is done, it is done, for ever impossible
to deliver yourself.’ For about three or four days my soul was thus greatly
distressed. At some turns, for a few moments, I seemed to myself lost
and undone; but then would shrink back immediately from the sight,
because I dared not venture myself into the hands of God, as wholly helpless,
and at the disposal of his sovereign pleasure. I dared not see that important
truth concerning myself, that I was dead in trespasses and sins. But
when I had as it were thrust away these views of myself at any time, I felt
distressed to have the same discoveries of myself again; for I greatly feared
being given over of God to final stupidity. When I thought of putting it off to
a more convenient season, the conviction was so close and powerful, with
regard to the present time, that it was the best, and probably the only
time, that I dared not put it off.
“It was
the sight of truth concerning myself, truth respecting my state,
as a creature fallen and alienated from God, and that consequently could make
no demands on God for mercy, but must subscribe to the absolute sovereignty of
the Divine Being; the sight of the truth, I say, my soul shrank away
from, and trembled to think of beholding. Thus, he that doth evil, as
all unregenerate men continually do, hates the light of truth, neither
cares to come to it, because it will reprove his deeds, and show
him his just deserts, John iii. 20. And though, some time before, I had taken
much pains, as I thought, to submit to
PART I. A.D. 1718-1742. ĘT.
1-24. 319
the
sovereignty of God, yet I mistook the thing; and did not once imagine, that
seeing and being made experimentally sensible of this truth, which my soul now
so much dreaded and trembled at, was the frame of soul that I had been so
earnest in pursuit of heretofore. For I had ever hoped, that when I had
attained to that humiliation, which I supposed necessary to go before
faith, then it would not be fair for God to cast me off; but now I saw
it was so far from any goodness in me, to own myself spiritually dead, and
destitute of all goodness, that, on the contrary, my mouth would be for
ever stopped by it; and it looked as dreadful to me, to see
myself, and the relation I stood in to God--I a sinner and criminal, and he a
great Judge and Sovereign--as it would be to a poor trembling creature, to
venture off some high precipice. And hence I put it off for a minute or two,
and tried for better circumstances to do it in; either I must read a passage or
two, or pray first, or something of the like nature; or else put off my
submission to God’s sovereignty, with an objection, that I did not know how to
submit. But the truth was, I could see no safety in owning myself in the hands
of a sovereign God, and that I could lay no claim to any thing better than
damnation.
“But
after a considerable time spent in such like exercises and distresses, one
morning, while I was walking in a solitary place, as usual, I at once saw that
all my contrivances and projects to effect or procure deliverance and salvation
for myself, were utterly in vain; I was brought quite to a stand, as
finding myself totally lost. I had thought many times before, that the
difficulties in my way were very great; but now I saw, in another and very
different light, that it was for ever impossible for me to do any thing towards
helping or delivering myself. I then thought of blaming myself, that I had not
done more, and been more engaged, while I had opportunity--for it seemed now as
if the season of doing was for ever over and gone--but I instantly saw, that
let me have done what I would, it would no more have tended to my helping
myself, than what I had done; that I had made all the pleas I ever could have
made to all eternity; and that all my pleas were vain. The tumult that
had been before in my mind, was now quieted; and I was something eased
of that distress, which I felt, while struggling against a sight of myself, and
of the divine sovereignty. I had the greatest certainty that my state was for
ever miserable, for all that I could do; and wondered that I had never
been sensible of it before.
“While I
remained in this state, my notions respecting my duties were
quite different from what I had ever entertained in times past. Before this,
the more I did in duty, the more hard I thought it would be for God to cast me
off; though at the same time I confessed, and thought I saw, that there was no
goodness or merit in my duties; but now the more I did in prayer or any
other duty, the more I saw I was indebted to God for allowing me to ask
for mercy; for I saw it was self-interest had led me to pray, and that I had
never once prayed from any respect to the glory of God. Now I saw there was no
necessary connexion between my prayers and the bestowment of divine mercy; that
they laid not the least obligation upon God to bestow his grace upon me;
and that there was no more virtue or goodness in them, than there would be in
my paddling with my hand in the water, (which was the comparison I had
then in my mind,) and this because they were not performed from any love or
regard to God. I saw that I had been heaping up my devotions before God,
fasting, praying, &c. pretending, and indeed really thinking sometimes,
that I was aiming at the glory of God; whereas I never once truly
intended it, but only my own happiness. I saw, that as I had never done any
thing for God, I had no claim on any thing from him, but
perdition, on account of my hypocrisy and mockery. Oh how different did my
duties now appear from what they used to do! I used to charge them with sin and
imperfection; but this was only on account of the wanderings and vain thoughts
attending them, and not because I had no regard to God in them; for this I
thought I had. But when I saw evidently that I had regard to nothing but
self-interest, then they appeared a vile mockery of God, self-worship, and a
continual course of lies; so that I now saw that something worse had attended
my duties, than barely a few wanderings, &c.; for the whole was nothing but
self-worship, and a horrid abuse of God.
“I
continued, as I remember, in this state of mind, from Friday morning till the
sabbath evening following, (July 12, 1739,) when I was walking again in the
same solitary place, where I was brought to see myself lost and helpless, as
before mentioned. Here, in a mournful melancholy state, I was attempting to
pray; but found no heart to engage in that or any other duty; my former
concern, exercise, and religious affections were now gone. I thought the Spirit
of God had quite left me; but still was not distressed: yet
disconsolate, as if there was nothing in heaven or earth could make me happy.
Having been thus endeavouring to pray--though, as I thought, very stupid and
senseless--for near half an hour, then, as I was walking in a dark thick grove,
unspeakable glory seemed to open to the view and apprehension of my
soul. I do not mean any external brightness, for I saw no such thing;
nor do I intend any imagination of a body of light, somewhere in the third
heavens, or any thing of that nature; but it was a new inward apprehension or
view that I had of God, such as I never had before, nor any thing which
had the least resemblance of it. I stood still, wondered, and admired! I knew
that I never had seen before any thing comparable to it for excellency and
beauty; it was widely different from all the conceptions that ever I had of God,
or things divine. I had no particular apprehension of any one person in the
Trinity, either the Father, the Son, or the Holy Ghost; but it appeared to be divine
glory. My soul rejoiced with joy unspeakable, to see such a God,
such a glorious Divine Being; and I was inwardly pleased and satisfied that he
should be God over all for ever and ever. My soul was so captivated and
delighted with the excellency, loveliness, greatness, and other perfections of
God, that I was even swallowed up in him; at least to that degree, that I had
no thought (as I remember) at first about my own salvation, and scarce
reflected there was such a creature as myself.
“Thus
God, I trust, brought me to a hearty disposition to exalt him, and set
him on the throne, and principally and ultimately to aim at his honour and
glory, as King of the universe. I continued in this state of inward joy, peace,
and astonishment, till near dark, without any sensible abatement; and then
began to think and examine what I had seen; and felt sweetly composed in
my mind all the evening following. I felt myself in a new world, and every
thing about me appeared with a different aspect from what it was wont to do. At
this time, the way of salvation opened to me with such infinite wisdom,
suitableness, and excellency, that I wondered I should ever think of any
other way of salvation; was amazed that I had not dropped my own
contrivances, and complied with this lovely, blessed, and excellent way before.
If I could have been saved by my own duties, or any other way that I had
formerly contrived, my whole soul would now have refused it. I wondered that
all the world did not see and comply with this way of salvation, entirely by
the righteousness of Christ.
“The
sweet relish of what I then felt, continued with me for several days, almost
constantly, in a greater or less degree; I could not but sweetly rejoice in
God, lying down and rising up. The next Lord’s day I felt something of the same
kind, though not so powerful as before. But not long after I was again involved
in thick darkness, and under great distress; yet not of the same kind
with my distress under convictions. I was guilty, afraid, and ashamed to come
before God; was exceedingly pressed with a sense of guilt: but it was not long
before I felt, I trust, true repentance and joy in God.--About the latter end
of August, I again fell under great darkness; it seemed as if the presence of
God was clean gone for ever; though I was not so much distressed about
my spiritual state, as I was at my being shut out from God’s presence,
as I then sensibly was. But it pleased the Lord to return graciously to me, not
long after.
“In the
beginning of September I went to college,* and entered there; but with some
degree of reluctancy, fearing lest I should not be able to lead a life of
strict religion, in
* Yale
college, in New-Haven
320 BRAINERD’S LIFE AND
DIARY.
the
midst of so many temptations.--After this, in the vacancy, before I went
to tarry at college, it pleased God to visit my soul with clearer
manifestations of himself and his grace. I was spending some time in prayer,
and self-examination, when the Lord by his grace so shined into my heart, that
I enjoyed full assurance of his favour, for that time; and my soul was
unspeakably refreshed with divine and heavenly enjoyments. At this time
especially, as well as some others, sundry passages of God’s word opened to my
soul with divine clearness, power, and sweetness, so as to appear exceeding
precious, and with clear and certain evidence of its being the word of God.
I enjoyed considerable sweetness in religion all the winter following.
“In Jan.
1740, the measles spread much in college; and I having taken the distemper,
went home to Haddam. But some days before I was taken sick, I seemed to be
greatly deserted, and my soul mourned the absence of the Comforter exceedingly.
It seemed to me all comfort was for ever gone; I prayed and cried to God for
help, yet found no present comfort or relief. But through divine goodness, a
night or two before I was taken ill, while I was walking alone in a very
retired place, and engaged in meditation and prayer, I enjoyed a sweet
refreshing visit, as I trust, from above; so that my soul was raised far above
the fears of death. Indeed I rather longed for death, than feared it. O how much
more refreshing this one season was, than all the pleasures and delights that
earth can afford! After a day or two I was taken with the measles, and was very
ill indeed, so that I almost despaired of life; but had no distressing fears of
death at all. However, through divine goodness I soon recovered; yet, by reason
of hard and close studies, and being much exposed on account of my freshmanship,
I had but little time for spiritual duties: my soul often mourned for want of
more time and opportunity to be alone with God. In the spring and summer
following, I had better advantages for retirement, and enjoyed more comfort in
religion. Though indeed my ambition in my studies greatly wronged the activity
and vigour of my spiritual life; yet this was usually the case with me, that
“in the multitude of my thoughts within me, God’s comforts principally
delighted my soul;” these were my greatest consolations day by day.
“One day
I remember, in particular, (I think it was in June, 1740,) I walked to a
considerable distance from the college, in the fields alone at noon, and in
prayer found such unspeakable sweetness and delight in God, that I thought, if
I must continue still in this evil world, I wanted always to be there, to
behold God’s glory. My soul dearly loved all mankind, and longed exceedingly
that they should enjoy what I enjoyed. It seemed to be a little resemblance of
heaven. On Lord’s day, July 6, being sacrament-day, I found some divine life
and spiritual refreshment in that holy ordinance. When I came from the Lord’s
table, I wondered how my fellow-students could live as I was sensible most
did.--Next Lord’s day, July 13, I had some special sweetness in
religion.--Again, Lord’s day, July 20, my soul was in a sweet and precious
frame.
“Some
time in August following, I became so weakly and disordered, by too close
application to my studies, that I was advised by my tutor to go home, and
disengage my mind from study, as much as I could; for I was grown so weak, that
I began to spit blood. I took his advice, and endeavoured to lay aside my
studies. But being brought very low, I looked death in the face more
stedfastly; and the Lord was pleased to give me renewedly a sweet sense and
relish of divine things; and particularly, October 13, I found divine help and consolation
in the precious duties of secret prayer and self-examination, and my soul took
delight in the blessed God:--so likewise on the 17th of October.
“Saturday,
Oct. 18. In
my morning devotions, my soul was exceedingly melted, and bitterly mourned over
my exceeding sinfulness and vileness. I never before had felt so
pungent and deep a sense of the odious nature of sin, as at this time. My soul
was then unusually carried forth in love to God, and had a lively sense of
God’s love to me. And this love and hope, at that time, cast out fear. Both
morning and evening I spent some time in self-examination, to find the truth of
grace, as also my fitness to approach to God at his table the next day;
and through infinite grace, found the Holy Spirit influencing my soul with love
to God, as a witness within myself.
“Lord’s
day, Oct.
19. In the morning I felt my soul hungering and thirsting after
righteousness. In the forenoon, while I was looking on the sacramental
elements, and thinking that Jesus Christ would soon be “set forth crucified
before me,” my soul was filled with light and love, so that I was almost in an
ecstasy; my body was so weak, I could scarcely stand. I felt at the same time
an exceeding tenderness and most fervent love towards all mankind; so that my
soul and all the powers of it seemed, as it were, to melt into softness and
sweetness. But during the communion, there was some abatement of this life and
fervour. This love and joy cast out fear; and my soul longed for perfect grace
and glory. This frame continued till the evening, when my soul was sweetly
spiritual in secret duties.
“Monday,
Oct. 20. I
again found the assistance of the Holy Spirit in secret duties, both morning
and evening, and life and comfort in religion through the whole day.--Tuesday,
Oct. 21. I had likewise experience of the goodness of God in “shedding
abroad his love in my heart,” and giving me delight and consolation in
religious duties; and all the remaining part of the week, my soul seemed to be
taken up with divine things. I now so longed after God, and to be freed from
sin, that when I felt myself recovering, and thought I must return to college
again, which had proved so hurtful to my spiritual interest the year past, I
could not but be grieved, and I thought I had much rather have died; for it
distressed me to think of getting away from God. But before I went, I enjoyed
several other sweet and precious seasons of communion with God, (particularly
Oct. 30, and Nov. 4,) wherein my soul enjoyed unspeakable comfort.
“I
returned to college about Nov. 6, and, through the goodness of God, felt the
power of religion almost daily, for the space of six weeks.--Nov. 28. In my
evening devotion, I enjoyed precious discoveries of God, and was unspeakably
refreshed with that passage, Heb. xii. 22-24. My soul longed to wing away for
the paradise of God; I longed to be conformed to God in all things.--A day or
two after, I enjoyed much of the light of God’s countenance, most of the day;
and my soul rested in God.
“Tuesday,
Dec. 9. I
was in a comfortable frame of soul most of the day; but especially in evening
devotions, when God was pleased wonderfully to assist and strengthen me; so
that I thought nothing should ever move me from the love of God in Christ Jesus
my Lord.--O! one hour with God infinitely exceeds all the pleasures and
delights of this lower world.
“Some
time towards the latter end of January, 1741, I grew more cold and dull
in religion, by means of my old temptation, viz. ambition in my
studies.--But through divine goodness, a great and general awakening
spread itself over the college, about the latter end of February, in which I
was much quickened, and more abundantly engaged in religion.”
This
awakening was at the beginning of that extraordinary religious commotion
through the land, which is fresh in every one’s memory. It was for a time very
great and general at New-Haven; and the college had no small share in it. That
society was greatly reformed, the students in general became serious, many
of them remarkably so, and much engaged in the concerns of their eternal
salvation. And however undesirable the issue of the awakenings of that day have
appeared in many others, there have been manifestly happy and abiding
effects of the impressions then made on the minds of many of the members of
that college. And by all that I can learn concerning Mr. Brainerd, there can be
no reason to doubt but that he had much of God’s gracious presence, and of the
lively actings of true grace, at that time: but yet he was afterwards
abundantly sensible, that his religious experiences and affections at that time
were not free from a corrupt mixture, nor his conduct to be acquitted from many
things that were imprudent and blamable; which he greatly lamented himself, and
was desirous that others should not make an ill use of such an example. And
therefore, al-
PART I A.D. 1718-1742. ĘT.
1-24. 321
though
at the time he kept a constant diary, containing a very particular account of
what passed from day to day, for the next thirteen months, from the latter end
of Jan. 1741, forementioned, in two small books, which he called the two
first volumes of his diary, next following the account before given of his
convictions, conversion, and consequent comforts; yet, when he lay on his
death-bed, he gave order (unknown to me till after his death) that these two
volumes should be destroyed, and in the beginning of the third book of his
diary, he wrote thus, (by the hand of another, he not being able to write
himself,) “The two preceding volumes, immediately following the account of the
author’s conversion, are lost. If any are desirous to know how the author
lived, in general, during that space of time, let them read the first thirty
pages of this volume; where they will find something of a specimen of his
ordinary manner of living, through that whole space of time, which was about
thirteen months; excepting that here he was more refined from some imprudencies
and indecent heats, than there; but the spirit of devotion running through the whole was the same.
It could
not be otherwise than that one whose heart had been so prepared and drawn to
God, as Mr. Brainerd’s had been, should be mightily enlarged, animated, and
engaged at the sight of such an alteration made in the college, the town, and
country; and so great an appearance of men reforming their lives, and turning
from their profaneness and immorality to seriousness and concern for their
salvation, and of religion reviving and flourishing almost every where. But as
an intemperate, imprudent zeal, and a degree of enthusiasm, soon crept in, and
mingled itself with that revival of religion; and so great and general an
awakening being quite a new thing in the land, at least as to all the living
inhabitants of it; neither people nor ministers had learned thoroughly to distinguish
between solid religion and its delusive counterfeits. Even many ministers of
the gospel, of long standing and the best reputation, were for a time
overpowered with the glaring appearances of the latter; and therefore, surely
it was not to be wondered at, that young Brainerd, but a sophomore at
college, should be so; who was not only young in years, but very young in
religion and experience. He had enjoyed but little advantage for the study of
divinity, and still less for observing the circumstances and events of such an
extraordinary state of things. To think it strange, a man must divest himself
of all reason. In these disadvantageous circumstances, Brainerd had the
unhappiness to have a tincture of that intemperate, indiscreet zeal,
which was at that time too prevalent; and was led, from his high opinion of
others whom he looked upon as better than himself, into such errors as were
really contrary to the habitual temper of his mind. One instance of his
misconduct at that time, gave great offence to the rulers of the college, even
to that degree that they expelled him the society; which it is necessary should
here be particularly related, with its circumstances.
During
the awakening at college, there were several religious students who associated
together for mutual conversation and assistance in spiritual things. These were
wont freely to open themselves one to another, as special and intimate friends:
Brainerd was one of this company. And it once happened, that he and two or
three more of these intimate friends were in the hall together, after Mr.
Whittelsey, one of the tutors, had been to prayer there with the scholars; no
other person now remaining in the hall but Brainerd and his companions. Mr.
Whittelsey having been unusually pathetical in his prayer, one of Brainerd’s
friends on this occasion asked him what he thought of Mr. Whittelsey; he made
answer, “He has no more grace than this chair.” One of the freshmen happening
at that time to be near the hall (though not in the room) over-heard those words.
This person, though he heard no name mentioned, and knew not who was thus
censured, informed a certain woman in the town, withal telling her his own
suspicion, viz. that he believed Brainerd said this of some one or other
of the rulers of the college. Whereupon she went and informed the rector,
who sent for this freshman and examined him. He told the rector the
words he heard Brainerd utter, and informed him who were in the room with him
at that time. Upon which the rector sent for them: they were very backward to
inform against their friend what they looked upon as private conversation, and
especially as none but they had heard or knew of whom he had uttered those
words: yet the rector compelled them to declare what he said, and of whom
he said it.--Brainerd looked on himself very ill used in the management of this
affair; and thought, that it was injuriously extorted from his friends,
and then injuriously required of him--as if he had been guilty of some
open, notorious crime--to make a public confession, and to humble
himself before the whole college in the hall, for what he had said only in private
conversation.--He not complying with this demand, and having gone once to
the separate meeting at New-Haven, when forbidden by the rector; and also
having been accused by one person of saying concerning the rector, “that
he wondered he did not expect to drop down dead for fining the scholars who
followed Mr. Tennent to Milford, though there was no proof of it; (and
Mr. Brainerd ever professed that he did not remember his saying any thing to
that purpose;) for these things he was expelled the college.
Now, how
far the circumstances and exigencies of that day might justify such great
severity in the governors of the college, I will not undertake to determine; it
being my aim, not to bring reproach on the authority of the college, but only
to do justice to the memory of a person, who was I think eminently one of those
whose memory is blessed.--The reader will see, in the
sequel of the story of Mr. Brainerd’s life,* what his own thoughts afterwards
were of his behaviour in these things, and in how christian a manner he
conducted himself, with respect to this affair: though he ever, as long as he
lived, supposed himself ill used in the management of it, and in what he
suffered.--His expulsion was in the winter, 1742, while in his third year at
college.
PART II.
FROM ABOUT THE TIME THAT HE FIRST BEGAN TO DEVOTE HIMSELF MORE
ESPECIALLY TO THE STUDY OF DIVINITY, TILL HE WAS EXAMINED AND LICENSED TO
PREACH, BY THE ASSOCIATION OF MINISTERS BELONGING TO THE EASTERN DISTRICT OF
THE COUNTY OF FAIRFIELD, IN CONNECTICUT.
MR.
BRAINERD, the Spring after his expulsion, went to live with the Reverend
Mr. Mills, of Ripton, to pursue his studies with him, in order to his being
fitted for the work of the ministry; where he spent the greater part of the
time, till the Association licensed him to preach; but frequently rode to visit
the neighbouring ministers, particularly Mr. Cooke of Stratford, Mr. Graham of
Southbury, and Mr. Bellamy of Bethlehem. While with Mr. Mills, he began the third
book of his diary, in which the account he wrote of himself, is as follows.
“Thursday,
April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining, with respect to my life and warmth
in divine things; had not so free access to God in prayer as usual of late. O
that God would humble me deeply in the dust before him! I deserve hell every
day, for not loving my Lord more, who has, I trust, loved me, and given
himself for me; and every time I am enabled to exercise any grace
renewedly, I am renewedly indebted to the God of all grace for special
assistance. Where then is boasting? Surely it is excluded, when
we think how we are dependent on God for the being and every act of grace. Oh,
if ever I get to heaven, it will be because God will, and nothing else; for I
never did any thing of myself, but get away from God! My soul will be
astonished at the unsearchable riches of divine grace, when I arrive at the
mansions, which the blessed Saviour is gone before to prepare.
“Friday,
April 2. In
the afternoon I felt, in secret
*
Particularly under the date, Wednesday, Sept. 11, 1713.
322 BRAINERD’S LIFE AND
DIARY.
prayer,
much resigned, calm, and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world,
if Jesus by his Spirit does but come walking on the seas!--Some
time past, I had much pleasure in the prospect of the heathen being brought
home to Christ, and desired that the Lord would employ me in that
work:--but now, my soul more frequently desires to die, to be with Christ.
O that my soul were wrapt up in divine love, and my longing desires after God
increased!--In the evening, was refreshed in prayer, with the hopes of the
advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world.
“Saturday,
April 3.
Was very much amiss this morning, and had a bad night. I thought, if God
would take me to himself now, my soul would exceedingly rejoice. O that
I may be always humble and resigned to God, and that he would cause my soul to
be more fixed on himself, that I may be more fitted both for doing and suffering!
“Lord’s
day, April
4. My heart was wandering and lifeless. In the evening God gave me faith
in prayer, made my soul melt in some measure, and gave me to taste a divine
sweetness. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him, and love, and long,
and plead, and wrestle, and stretch after him, and for deliverance from the
body of sin and death.--Alas! my soul mourned to think I should ever lose sight
of its beloved again. ‘O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.’”
On the evening
of the next day, he complains, that he seemed to be void of all relish of
divine things, felt much of the prevalence of corruption, and saw in himself a
disposition to all manner of sin; which brought a very great gloom on his mind,
and cast him down into the depths of melancholy; so that he speaks of himself
as amazed, having no comfort, but filled with horror, seeing no comfort in
heaven or earth.
“Tuesday,
April 6. I
walked out this morning to the same place where I was last night, and felt as I
did then; but was somewhat relieved by reading some passages in my diary, and
seemed to feel as if I might pray to the great
God again with freedom; but was suddenly struck with a damp, from the sense I
had of my own vileness.--Then I cried to God to cleanse me from my exceeding
filthiness, to give me repentance and pardon. I then began to find it sweet to
pray; and could think of undergoing the greatest sufferings, in the cause of
Christ, with pleasure; and found myself willing, if God should so order it, to
suffer banishment from my native land, among the heathen, that I might do
something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths of any kind.--Then God
gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the kingdom of Christ in the
world, and for dear christian friends.--I felt weaned from the world, and from
my own reputation amongst men, willing to be despised, and to be
a gazing-stock for the world to behold.--It is impossible for me to express how
I then felt: I had not much joy, but some sense of the majesty of God,
which made me as it were tremble. I saw myself mean and vile, which made me
more willing that God should do what he would with me; it was all infinitely
reasonable.
“Wednesday,
April 7.
I had not so much fervency, but felt something as I did yesterday morning,
in prayer.--At noon I spent some time in secret, with some fervency, but scarce
any sweetness; and felt very dull in the evening.
“Thursday,
April 8.
Had raised hopes to-day respecting the heathen. O that God would bring in
great numbers of them to Jesus Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see that
glorious day.--Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and little to me:
I look so on myself.--I had some little dawn of comfort to-day in prayer; but
especially to-night, I think I had some faith and power of intercession
with God. I was enabled to plead with God for the growth of grace in myself;
and many of the dear children of God then lay with weight upon my soul. Blessed
be the Lord! It is good to wrestle for divine blessings.
“Friday,
April 9.
Most of my time in morning devotion was spent without sensible sweetness;
yet I had one delightful prospect of arriving at the heavenly world. I am more
amazed than ever at such thoughts; for I see myself infinitely vile and
unworthy. I feel very heartless and dull; and though I long for the presence of
God, and seem constantly to reach towards God in desires; yet I cannot feel
that divine and heavenly sweetness that I used to enjoy.--No poor creature
stands in need of divine grace more than I, and none abuse it more than I have
done, and still do.
“Saturday,
April 10.
Spent much time in secret prayer this morning, and not without some comfort
in divine things; and, I hope, had some faith in exercise: but am so low, and
feel so little of the sensible presence of God, that I hardly know what
to call faith, and am made to possess the sins of my youth, and the
dreadful sin of my nature. I am all sin; I cannot think, nor act, but every
motion is sin.--I feel some faint hopes, that God will, of his infinite mercy,
return again with showers of converting grace to poor gospel-abusing sinners;
and my hopes of being employed in the cause of God, which of late have
been almost extinct, seem now a little revived. O that all my late distresses
and awful apprehensions might prove but Christ’s school, to make me fit for
greater service, by teaching me the great lesson of humility!
“Lord’s
day, April
11. In the morning I felt but little life, excepting that my heart was somewhat
drawn out in thankfulness to God for his amazing grace and condescension to me,
in past influences and assistances of his Spirit.--Afterwards, I had some
sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly world. O for the
happy day!--After public worship God gave me special assistance in prayer; I
wrestled with my dear Lord, with much sweetness; and intercession was made a
delightful employment to me.--In the evening, as I was viewing the light in the
north, I was delighted in contemplation on the glorious morning of the
resurrection.
“Monday,
April 12.
This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance upon
me in secret prayer, and made the season very precious to my soul. And though I
have been so depressed of late, respecting my hopes of future serviceableness
in the cause of God; yet now I had much encouragement respecting that matter. I
was especially assisted to intercede and plead for poor souls, and for the
enlargement of Christ’s kingdom in the world, and for special grace for
myself, to fit me for special services. I felt exceedingly calm, and
quite resigned to God, respecting my future employment, when and where
he pleased. My faith lifted me above the world, and removed all those
mountains, that I could not look over of late. I wanted not the favour of man
to lean upon; for I knew Christ’s favour was infinitely better, and that it was
no matter when, nor where, nor how Christ should send me,
nor what trials he should still exercise me with, if I might be prepared for
his work and will. I now found revived, in my mind, the wonderful
discovery of infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me,
which I had a little before I met with my great trial at college; every thing
appeared full of divine wisdom.
“Tuesday,
April 13. I
saw myself to be very mean and vile; and wondered at those that showed me
respect. Afterwards I was somewhat comforted in secret retirement, and assisted
to wrestle with God, with some power, spirituality, and sweetness. Blessed be
the Lord, he is never unmindful of me, but always sends me needed supplies;
and, from time to time, when I am like one dead, he raises me to life. O that I
may never distrust infinite goodness!
“Wednesday,
April 14.
My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the mortification of
indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. O there is a sweet day
coming, wherein the weary will be at rest! My soul has enjoyed much
sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy arrival.
“Thursday,
April 15.
My desires apparently centred in God, and I found a sensible attraction of soul
after him sundry times to-day. I know I long for God, and a conformity
to his will, in inward purity and holiness, ten thousand times more than for
any thing here below.
“Friday
and Saturday, April
16, 17. I seldom prayed without some sensible joy in the Lord. Sometimes
I longed much to be dissolved, and to be with Christ. O that God would
enable me to grow in grace every day! Alas!
PART II. A.D. 1742.
APRIL-JULY. ĘT. 25. 323
my
barrenness is such, that God might well say, Cut it down.--I am afraid
of a dead heart on the sabbath now begun:* O that God would quicken me by his
grace!
“Lord’s
day, April
18. I retired early this morning into the woods for prayer; had the assistance
of God’s Spirit, and faith in exercise; and was enabled to plead with fervency
for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world, and to intercede for dear
absent friends.--At noon, God enabled me to wrestle with him, and to feel, as I
trust, the power of divine love in prayer.--At night I saw myself infinitely
indebted to God, and had a view of my shortcomings: it seemed to me, that I had
done as it were nothing for God, and that I never had lived to him but a
few hours of my life.
“Monday,
April 19. I
set apart this day for fasting, and prayer to God for his grace; especially to
prepare me for the work of the ministry, to give me divine aid and direction
in my preparations for that great work, and in his own time to send me into
his harvest. Accordingly, in the morning, I endeavoured to plead for the
divine presence for the day, and not without some life. In the forenoon, I felt
the power of intercession for precious, immortal souls; for the advancement of
the kingdom of my dear Lord and Saviour in the word; and withal, a most sweet
resignation, and even consolation and joy in the thoughts of suffering
hardships, distresses, and even death itself, in the promotion of it; and had
special enlargement in pleading for the enlightening and conversion of the poor
heathen. In the afternoon, God was with me of a truth. O it was blessed
company indeed! God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet
with perspiration, though in the shade, and the cool wind. My soul was drawn
out very much for the world; for multitudes of souls. I think I had more
enlargement for sinners, than for the children of God; though I felt as if I
could spend my life in cries for both. I enjoyed great sweetness in communion
with my dear Saviour. I think I never in my life felt such an entire weanedness
from this world, and so much resigned to God in every thing.--O that I may
always live to and upon my blessed God! Amen, Amen.
“Tuesday,
April 20.
This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how much mercy have I received
the year past! How often has God caused his goodness to pass before me!
And how poorly have I answered the vows I made this time twelvemonth, to be wholly
the Lord’s, to be for ever devoted to his service! The Lord help me
to live more to his glory for the time to come.--This has been a sweet, a happy
day to me: blessed be God. I think my soul was never so drawn out in
intercession for others, as it has been this night. Had a most fervent
wrestle with the Lord to-night for my enemies; and I hardly ever so
longed to live to God, and to be altogether devoted to him; I wanted to
wear out my life in his service, and for his glory.
“Wednesday,
April 21.
Felt much calmness and resignation, and God again enabled me to wrestle for
numbers of souls, and had much fervency in the sweet duty of intercession. I
enjoyed of late more sweetness in intercession for others, than in any other
part of prayer. My blessed Lord really let me come near to him, and plead
with him.”
The
frame of mind, and exercises of soul, that he expresses the three days next
following, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, are much of the same kind with
those expressed the two days past.
“Lord’s day, April 25. This morning I spent about two hours in secret duties, and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls; though it was early in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all, yet my body was quite wet with sweat. I felt much pressed now, as frequently of late, to plead for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb of God in my soul; and through divine goodness felt much of it this morning. O it is a sweet disposition, heartily to forgive all injuries done us; to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own souls! Blessed Jesus, may I daily be more and more conformed to thee. At night I was exceedingly melted with divine love, and had some feeling sense of the